Plus Size Satin Dreams

Every couple of months there’s another article citing emerging research on the importance of sleep in our lives. As if we needed any incentive to catch a catnap, the headlines scream out the benefits of sleep like that annoying guy on late night infomercials:

o It makes you smarter (To sleep, perchance to learn)
o It’s the hottest new diet (Sleep Diet Lets You Lose Weight)
o It keeps you from getting sick (Sleep could prevent the common cold)
o It will even get you a job (Getting Paid to Sleep…in Public)

OK people, enough already…we get it! It slices, dices, and juliennes. We’d all be skinny, happy, beautiful people with seven to nine hours of sleep. Who are these mystical, magical creatures that get nine hours of sleep each night? Researchers should focus their precious grant dollars on helping us find a few extra snoozing hours in the day rather than another study telling me what I’m missing out on.

Frankly, I don’t have time for more shut eye. My DVR is bloated with unwatched Mythbusters re-runs. My email inbox runneth over. My Facebook account is a time-sucking black hole of 25 Random Things, Ghetto Snacks, Mafia Wars, Sheep, and friend requests from third grade bible camp. Add in a full-time job plus my daily fitness regimen (LOL! … Ok, I tried to say that with a straight face …), and there’s barely time to rest my eyes, let alone have a deep, rejuvenating sleep. I guess I can’t complain. I still have it easier than you Mommies out there who, each day, somehow manage to cram 27 additional hours of family obligations into the mix.

Well, NO MORE, ladies!!! We have to start putting ourselves first and taking care of our health. The good news is that I have discovered a sure fire way to get more sleep in our lives and it’ll be my pleasure to share it with you…..right after I grab a quick nap…

I must admit that it has been WAY too long since my last post. I knew that if I were going to get your attention again, I’d have to bring you the right story. Well, just in time for Valentine’s Day, let me introduce you to the “Find Me if You Can” line of undies being sold by a Brazilian designer.

These hot and spicy numbers come with one special addition – a built in GPS tracking system. Yes, ladies, they are now selling lingerie with Lojack! Who needs this technology? If you often wake up wondering where you left your panties – maybe you should take it as a sign to change your skanky ways. It seems that they are already hot sellers to Brazilian prostitutes whose Pimps can manage their businesses almost entirely digitally (except for the pimp-slapping, of course). For those of us not in the sex trade, perhaps they are trying to sell these panties to the suspicious lovers or lazy stalkers who are just too busy to hide in bushes? Who knows, they may singlehandedly put the TV show Cheaters out of business (don’t pretend that I’m the only one that watches it).

This lingerie is just another example of innovation gone wrong. Why is it that there is still no cure for the common cold yet there are 16 different varieties of the George Foreman Grill? We can’t eliminate malaria or HIV/AIDS but we have hair plugs and Minoxidil. Don’t even get me started on impotence medicine!!! We have countless medications and gadgets to get middle-aged men “ready for love” but not a single thing to enhance the experience of the poor women being chased around by these pot-bellied Romeos.

So, if you or someone that you love is one of these smarty-pants scientists, please don’t waste your time inventing the next Bedazzler or Erectile Quality Monitor (yes, sadly it’s real and available on Amazon.com). If you really want to get into our panties, here are a few ideas that would truly improve the quality of women’s lives:

• The Spot Spotter: Sends you a discreet text message if your favorite monthly method of protection starts to leak on your gorgeous light colored pants.

• The Weenie Roast: Combines your favorite panties with taser capabilities for those times when you need to enforce “No means No”.

• The Garmin: Gives your clueless lover turn-by-turn directions to all of your favorite spots. The deluxe model vibrates – just in case he’s a lost cause.

• The Breathing Room Body Shaper: Lifts your butt, separates your boobs, and flattens your stomach but comes with a Panic Button. In case of emergency, hit the button to let all of your natural, jiggly goodness hang loose. Catch your breath before you pass out in the middle of the floor!

So Dreamers, let your voices be heard. What innovations would you like to see in your unmentionables?

I must admit that it has been WAY too long since my last post. I knew that if I were going to get your attention again, I’d have to bring you the right story. Well, just in time for Valentine’s Day, let me introduce you to the “Find Me if You Can” line of undies being sold by a Brazilian designer.

These hot and spicy numbers come with one special addition – a built in GPS tracking system. Yes, ladies, they are now selling lingerie with Lojack! Who needs this technology? If you often wake up wondering where you left your panties – maybe you should take it as a sign to change your skanky ways. It seems that they are already hot sellers to Brazilian prostitutes whose Pimps can manage their businesses almost entirely digitally (except for the pimp-slapping, of course). For those of us not in the sex trade, perhaps they are trying to sell these panties to the suspicious lovers or lazy stalkers who are just too busy to hide in bushes? Who knows, they may singlehandedly put the TV show Cheaters out of business (don’t pretend that I’m the only one that watches it).

This lingerie is just another example of innovation gone wrong. Why is it that there is still no cure for the common cold yet there are 16 different varieties of the George Foreman Grill? We can’t eliminate malaria or HIV/AIDS but we have hair plugs and Minoxidil. Don’t even get me started on impotence medicine!!! We have countless medications and gadgets to get middle-aged men “ready for love” but not a single thing to enhance the experience of the poor women being chased around by these pot-bellied Romeos.

So, if you or someone that you love is one of these smarty-pants scientists, please don’t waste your time inventing the next Bedazzler or Erectile Quality Monitor (yes, sadly it’s real and available on Amazon.com). If you really want to get into our panties, here are a few ideas that would truly improve the quality of women’s lives:

• The Spot Spotter: Sends you a discreet text message if your favorite monthly method of protection starts to leak on your gorgeous light colored pants.

• The Weenie Roast: Combines your favorite panties with taser capabilities for those times when you need to enforce “No means No”.

• The Garmin: Gives your clueless lover turn-by-turn directions to all of your favorite spots. The deluxe model vibrates – just in case he’s a lost cause.

• The Breathing Room Body Shaper: Lifts your butt, separates your boobs, and flattens your stomach but comes with a Panic Button. In case of emergency, hit the button to let all of your natural, jiggly goodness hang loose. Catch your breath before you pass out in the middle of the floor!

So Dreamers, let your voices be heard. What innovations would you like to see in your unmentionables?

If I asked the average gal to describe the perfect piece of sexy lingerie, she’d draw me a picture of some hot little concoction of soft lace, gossamer thin pieces of silk, maybe even a little leather. It would most likely involve discomfort, either the stiffness of underwire or some sort of string rubbing against a completely inappropriate area. These masterpieces can be great additions to anyone’s wardrobe, but they aren’t the only way to cause a commotion. Remember ladies, sexy is in the eye of the beholder.

Case in point: my friend Victoria and her husband Dean (the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent). Vikki inadvertently started a trend at home when she donned a tank top and simple pair of Lane Bryant’s cotton pajama shorts with the word “SASSY” written across the backside. Her goal was everyday bedtime comfort, however Dean took one look at her and his brain melted. As a woman that wears a J-cup bra, Vikki’s front is no stranger to appreciative glances, but all of a sudden her own husband was breaking his neck whenever she walked by. Even better, the reaction is the same every time she brings out the shorts – as if it were his first time seeing them. It’s like his birthday, Christmas, and the 4th of July all rolled into one spectacularly stenciled booty-licious package.

Most importantly, these basic cotton shorts make Vikki feel special. Dean points out that whenever SASSY is unleashed, she finds many more reasons to bend over in his presence (”oops, did I just drop that pencil again?”). As they tell me this story together, they look into each other’s eyes and giggle like teenagers. I don’t care how expensive or haute couture your lingerie is, if it doesn’t make you act like that then you’re wasting your money. I would suggest that you try shorts with writing across the back, but good luck finding them. I’m pretty sure that this couple has cleaned out the inventory.

Let’s hear from you. What do you wear that drives your Honey crazy?

Usually I roar with outrage whenever I see some new, cute item that is only accessible to the thin and trim crowd. Given the fact that almost half of the US population has a little extra cushion like me, it is utterly ridiculous that designers don’t put a plus size version into the initial plans.

However, this time I’m OK with being left out. Have you heard of C-String underwear? No, that wasn’t a typo, I really did say “C” string. I discovered this horrendous item on the internet (of course). It was created in 2007 to save women from the dual scourges of panty lines and tan lines. It consists of a little piece of fabric to cover your crotch attached to some sort of wire that gives you an atomic wedgie. Honestly, it looks a lot like a candy colored maxipad.

There is no universe in which this appears comfortable, functional, or attractive. What’s left? To add insult to ugly injury, a web published article used to promote the product includes weight loss tips to help wearers feel better in C-Strings. Does it make sense to create an undergarment where everyone needs to drop a few pounds before wearing it?

The C-String was not well received by lingerie aficionados anywhere, and I’m not sure that they are even still on the market. One thing I do know – I’m glad that they never made them in size 20!

If you are on the look out for something to eliminate panty lines, my pain-minimizing favorite choice is a plain cotton thong that you can grab at most plus size retailers. If you want something a little fancier, check out thongs or g-strings like this.

What do you think?

Usually I roar with outrage whenever I see some new, cute item that is only accessible to the thin and trim crowd. Given the fact that almost half of the US population has a little extra cushion like me, it is utterly ridiculous that designers don’t put a plus size version into the initial plans.

However, this time I’m OK with being left out. Have you heard of C-String underwear? No, that wasn’t a typo, I really did say “C” string. I discovered this horrendous item on the internet (of course). It was created in 2007 to save women from the dual scourges of panty lines and tan lines. It consists of a little piece of fabric to cover your crotch attached to some sort of wire that gives you an atomic wedgie. Honestly, it looks a lot like a candy colored maxipad.

There is no universe in which this appears comfortable, functional, or attractive. What’s left? To add insult to ugly injury, a web published article used to promote the product includes weight loss tips to help wearers feel better in C-Strings. Does it make sense to create an undergarment where everyone needs to drop a few pounds before wearing it?

The C-String was not well received by lingerie aficionados anywhere, and I’m not sure that they are even still on the market. One thing I do know – I’m glad that they never made them in size 20!

If you are on the look out for something to eliminate panty lines, my pain-minimizing favorite choice is a plain cotton thong that you can grab at most plus size retailers. If you want something a little fancier, check out thongs or g-strings like this.

What do you think?

Yes, with the current state of the world I know that there are many more important rights that we could discuss, but there are other places for that kind of dialogue. Here, we talk about undies, so I’m putting my foot down in defense of the basic rights that we all should enjoy.

We, the fabulous and thick women of the world hereby declare:

• We have the right to bear arms. And belly rolls. And thunder thighs and all other body parts. It’s hard to feel free and beautiful when we’re fully covered from neck to ankle in plaid flannel. Designers, please give us options that let us show off our best features. Remember, the people that care about us love all of us, even the parts that make us feel self-conscious.

• We demand freedom from the cruel and unusual punishment that is inflicted upon women in the name of fashion. No more body shapers that chafe in odd places or squeeze so tightly that we loose our breath. (Incidentally, I don’t care what fancy name you give it, I know a GIRDLE when I see one!) No more shoulder indentations from cheap bras. No more pokes and prods from rogue underwire. No more itchy lace. No more, we say! If scientist can send a person to the moon and invent the Wii, you surely can design lingerie that is pretty and comfortable.

• We reserve the right to be risqué when we feel like it and no matter how we choose to play, or who we play with, we demand products that meet our naughty needs. And, by the way, we are very comfortable with being highly desired sex goddesses, but we refuse to be anyone’s fetish. Treat us accordingly.

• We respectfully remind you that we are a diverse crowd. While it is difficult to find quality and stylish items in any plus size, there are those among us who face even higher hurdles. Who speaks for the petite, the tall, or the supersized? Why must they be relegated to catalogs and websites as if they were somehow less valuable customers for mainstream stores?

• We expect to receive the quality that we pay for. Do not charge us premium prices for poorly constructed and designed items just because you think that we have fewer options. Please do not insult our intelligence! (You know who you are, and shame on you.)

Dreamers, click here to comment on what other rights would you like to see added?

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
Lao-tzu

Welcome to the maiden voyage of the Plus Size Satin Dreams blog, my online pajama party. Why, you may ask, would a grown woman want to write about the pieces of our wardrobes that we give the least amount of thought? Well, when we come home at night and peel away our street clothes, we also drop the pretenses, the posing, the personas that we adopt to survive daily life. It’s the time that we are most vulnerable and truly ourselves…

• In fluffy terrycloth robes we escape our troubles by curling up with a hot cup of tea and a good book.
• In satin pj’s we toast margaritas and giggle with friends at ladies-only weekend trips.
• In clinging silk nighties we whisper secrets and promises in a lover’s ear.
• In reliable cotton gowns we forfeit sleep to nurse sick children.
• In cozy flannel sets we grab our sacred journals and dare to dream of our infinite possibilities.

No wonder it’s called intimate attire – it’s the uniform that we wear when facing our most intimate moments and thoughts. It is when our souls are most exposed. What better topic to write about?
I must confess that as a plus size woman (big girl, fat lady, fluffy gal, thick chick – feel free to pick your favorite descriptor) struggling with her body image, I neglected this area for a long time, choosing comfort and function over style. If you dig to the bottom of my drawer of delicates, you’ll find every example of what’s wrong with plus size sleepwear:

• Cheaply made and itchy? Check!
• Comfy but makes me look like a sack of potatoes? Check!
• Lack of support for those of us who are extra blessed in the booby department? Check! Check! Check!

Do any of these reflect who I am (and who I want to be) on the inside? HELL NO! Where are the pieces that help me feel beautiful, playful, sexy, youthful, and confident? They aren’t in my drawer and, unfortunately, they aren’t in abundance in our stores or online. So, join me on my mighty quest for the perfect unmentionables, and along the way we’ll chat about sleep, love, life, and plus size satin dreams.

theDreamer