Plus Size Satin Dreams

I must admit that it has been WAY too long since my last post. I knew that if I were going to get your attention again, I’d have to bring you the right story. Well, just in time for Valentine’s Day, let me introduce you to the “Find Me if You Can” line of undies being sold by a Brazilian designer.

These hot and spicy numbers come with one special addition – a built in GPS tracking system. Yes, ladies, they are now selling lingerie with Lojack! Who needs this technology? If you often wake up wondering where you left your panties – maybe you should take it as a sign to change your skanky ways. It seems that they are already hot sellers to Brazilian prostitutes whose Pimps can manage their businesses almost entirely digitally (except for the pimp-slapping, of course). For those of us not in the sex trade, perhaps they are trying to sell these panties to the suspicious lovers or lazy stalkers who are just too busy to hide in bushes? Who knows, they may singlehandedly put the TV show Cheaters out of business (don’t pretend that I’m the only one that watches it).

This lingerie is just another example of innovation gone wrong. Why is it that there is still no cure for the common cold yet there are 16 different varieties of the George Foreman Grill? We can’t eliminate malaria or HIV/AIDS but we have hair plugs and Minoxidil. Don’t even get me started on impotence medicine!!! We have countless medications and gadgets to get middle-aged men “ready for love” but not a single thing to enhance the experience of the poor women being chased around by these pot-bellied Romeos.

So, if you or someone that you love is one of these smarty-pants scientists, please don’t waste your time inventing the next Bedazzler or Erectile Quality Monitor (yes, sadly it’s real and available on Amazon.com). If you really want to get into our panties, here are a few ideas that would truly improve the quality of women’s lives:

• The Spot Spotter: Sends you a discreet text message if your favorite monthly method of protection starts to leak on your gorgeous light colored pants.

• The Weenie Roast: Combines your favorite panties with taser capabilities for those times when you need to enforce “No means No”.

• The Garmin: Gives your clueless lover turn-by-turn directions to all of your favorite spots. The deluxe model vibrates – just in case he’s a lost cause.

• The Breathing Room Body Shaper: Lifts your butt, separates your boobs, and flattens your stomach but comes with a Panic Button. In case of emergency, hit the button to let all of your natural, jiggly goodness hang loose. Catch your breath before you pass out in the middle of the floor!

So Dreamers, let your voices be heard. What innovations would you like to see in your unmentionables?

If I asked the average gal to describe the perfect piece of sexy lingerie, she’d draw me a picture of some hot little concoction of soft lace, gossamer thin pieces of silk, maybe even a little leather. It would most likely involve discomfort, either the stiffness of underwire or some sort of string rubbing against a completely inappropriate area. These masterpieces can be great additions to anyone’s wardrobe, but they aren’t the only way to cause a commotion. Remember ladies, sexy is in the eye of the beholder.

Case in point: my friend Victoria and her husband Dean (the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent). Vikki inadvertently started a trend at home when she donned a tank top and simple pair of Lane Bryant’s cotton pajama shorts with the word “SASSY” written across the backside. Her goal was everyday bedtime comfort, however Dean took one look at her and his brain melted. As a woman that wears a J-cup bra, Vikki’s front is no stranger to appreciative glances, but all of a sudden her own husband was breaking his neck whenever she walked by. Even better, the reaction is the same every time she brings out the shorts – as if it were his first time seeing them. It’s like his birthday, Christmas, and the 4th of July all rolled into one spectacularly stenciled booty-licious package.

Most importantly, these basic cotton shorts make Vikki feel special. Dean points out that whenever SASSY is unleashed, she finds many more reasons to bend over in his presence (”oops, did I just drop that pencil again?”). As they tell me this story together, they look into each other’s eyes and giggle like teenagers. I don’t care how expensive or haute couture your lingerie is, if it doesn’t make you act like that then you’re wasting your money. I would suggest that you try shorts with writing across the back, but good luck finding them. I’m pretty sure that this couple has cleaned out the inventory.

Let’s hear from you. What do you wear that drives your Honey crazy?

Usually I roar with outrage whenever I see some new, cute item that is only accessible to the thin and trim crowd. Given the fact that almost half of the US population has a little extra cushion like me, it is utterly ridiculous that designers don’t put a plus size version into the initial plans.

However, this time I’m OK with being left out. Have you heard of C-String underwear? No, that wasn’t a typo, I really did say “C” string. I discovered this horrendous item on the internet (of course). It was created in 2007 to save women from the dual scourges of panty lines and tan lines. It consists of a little piece of fabric to cover your crotch attached to some sort of wire that gives you an atomic wedgie. Honestly, it looks a lot like a candy colored maxipad.

There is no universe in which this appears comfortable, functional, or attractive. What’s left? To add insult to ugly injury, a web published article used to promote the product includes weight loss tips to help wearers feel better in C-Strings. Does it make sense to create an undergarment where everyone needs to drop a few pounds before wearing it?

The C-String was not well received by lingerie aficionados anywhere, and I’m not sure that they are even still on the market. One thing I do know – I’m glad that they never made them in size 20!

If you are on the look out for something to eliminate panty lines, my pain-minimizing favorite choice is a plain cotton thong that you can grab at most plus size retailers. If you want something a little fancier, check out thongs or g-strings like this.

What do you think?